


Homestuck Unsolved

by Toxictimefanfics



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Buzzfeed Unsolved Fusion, Based On Buzzfeed Unsolved, Buzzfeed Unsolved References, Crack Treated Seriously, Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Fun, Happy Jake English/Dirk Strider, How Do I Tag, M/M, Not Canon Compliant - The Homestuck Epilogues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Canon, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Tags Are Fun, The Ghoul Boys (Buzzfeed Unsolved)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 08:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21715180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toxictimefanfics/pseuds/Toxictimefanfics
Summary: Since I don't know how to tag this I'll just write a fitting summary! This is set post Sburb/Sgrub and excludes the epilogues. This is just something I thought about and got really carried away with! Last thing you need to know before reading is that I headcanon that everyone who didn't get the chance to ascend to God Tier during the game gets to post game!If you don't enjoy Roxy being drunk, don't click on this.
Relationships: Calliope/Roxy Lalonde, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 7
Kudos: 31





	Homestuck Unsolved

"This week on BuzzFeed Unsolved, due to popular demand we're taking a look at who our gods are." Ryan said to the camera, Shane scoffed off to the side.

"Why are we doing this? All of the information is public anyway!"

"Because dumbass, some people actually enjoy hearing is talk about shit like this"

The two men continued their banter for a few minutes, it was used as background noise for an ongoing conversation between the gods in question.

"John, what the actual fuck are we watching?" Dave asks, not even bothering to turn away from the screen.

"These guys did a video on all of us! How could I not get everyone together to watch it? This is the first time someone's actually been brave enough to do a video on us!" John replies, obviously excited about what the video entails.

Turning their attention back to the video, Ryan, one of the series hosts explained that using the game manual that was made public after the god's had won as well as a list of their names, classes, and aspects.

"We're going to be starting with John Egbert, better known by everyone as the Heir of Breath." Ryan said, finally starting off with the topic of the episode.

"Oh fuck, they're starting with me." John mutters, still watching the TV with the kind of intensity that anyone would find unsettling.

"Starting off, the class of Heir is listed as a magician class, what that means I have no idea." Shane cuts Ryan off with a laugh.

"I thought you went into these videos knowing everything?"

"Nope, there's not too much information to go off of this time, I'm doing what I can." Ryan chuckles. "Anyway, despite not knowing what being part of the magician class means, the description of the title Heir of Breath says: one who invites manipulation of Breath or one who invites manipulation through breath." Ryan pauses, waiting for Shane to react.

"What, pray tell, does that mean Ryan?" Shane asks through laughs.

"Well, Heirs naturally gravitate to their aspect. An Heir of Breath would have an incredible amount of emotional fortitude, and are self-driven people. They're the kind of person that would go off on a tangent as their interests change." Shane makes Ryan pause but it doesn't matter, he's done describing John to the best of his ability.

"What are you basing this off of Ryan?" Shane asks, baffled.

"Well, I'm going off the basic description of his combined class and aspect as well as the few sightings people have recorded that, and a document someone sent me anonymously It's probably bullshit though, I doubt that's how he really acts." Ryan replies, believing wholeheartedly that he's completely wrong. But what if he isn't?

"How the actual FUCK would someone know that? There's no way in hell someone just psycho-analyzed me based solely on my classpect and random videos of me!" John shouts at the TV, suddenly spooked at the vague, yet accurate, description of him. "Has someone been spying on us?"

“Wow, how weird indeed. I didn’t know outsiders we so perceptive. Must of had an inside source,” Rose says straight faced internally laughing her fucking ass off. And just from that, Dave knows, he knows Rose set this up. He turns and looks her dead in the eye (albeit through his shades), Rose of course, notices this and only gives him the smallest of smirks in return, not even looking his way. He knows, and she knows that he knows.

He turns his attention back to the TV Just as the host, Ryan, starts to talk about him.

"Moving on to Dave Strider, better known as the Knight of Time." Just as he's about to continue, Shane cuts Ryan off.

"Now that's a title I can get behind! That sounds regal as fuck!" Shane shouts, much to both Ryan and Dave's amusement.

"This guy gets it! I am, in fact, regal as fuck." Dave says, grinning.

"Dave, shut the fuck up, you're being too loud." Dirk says, but still smiling at his outburst.

"Yeah, well, his combined class an aspect isn't the only one that sounds regal. Anyway, the Knight class is listed as a warrior class, which makes sense."

"Well duh, he's a knight."

"Right, continuing on, Knights hide a fear of failure with their aspect as a shield of confidence or obsessive effort. Knights of time are skilled at using their sense of future and past, their patience and natural sense of timing."

"Well whoever the fuck sent you that must know their stuff." Shane says scoffing, obviously being sarcastic.

"I don't know who it came from, but if they know what they're talking about, I'm not gonna complain"

Dave turns his attention back to Rose, giving her a look that hopefully says: what the actual fuck were you thinking?

"That's it, I'm convinced, we have a stalker." John announced.

"Wait a second chap, we don't know that, for all we know that! For all we know it could've been one of our friends!" Jake says from his spot next to Dirk, they're a couple of the only amongst them who aren't freaking the fuck out.

"Well I'm with John, this is kinda scary!" Jade says, nearly in tears over how well this supposed mystery person knows about them.

"Moving on to Jade Harley, the Witch of Space." Ryan says from the TV, scaring Jade even more.

"Why me now?!" She cries, terrified of what's to come.

"The class of Witch is a magician class, one who manipulates with space or manipulates space. Witches are enthusiastic, confident, optimistic rebels who break the "rules" of their aspect. Believes in date and rejects the idea of things being random. Witches of Space would be very practical, patient and scientific."

"WHY IS IT SO SPECIFIC?" Jade cries, jumping up from the couch, practically pleading with the TV, tears in her eyes, dog ears pressed firmly against her head.

This, for whatever reason caused the usually stoic Kanaya to snicker. Dirk, watching this unfold, notices the way she tries to hide it. 'She's totally in on this isn't she?' he thinks, mentally patting her on the back for at least helping come up with this, helping being the key word. If Kanaya's in on this, Rose is more than likely the mastermind behind the whole operation.

"I have to agree, this is getting a bit freaky." Jane comments quietly.

"Well I'm sure it's nothing, this guy's good in my books!" Roxy says, still oblivious to what's really going on, she's very drunk.

Jade's freaking out, the episode has been paused, everyone's concerned for her well being, especially Kanaya and Rose, having set this whole thing up. John quickly jumps to his feet and guides Jade out of the room, attempting to comfort her.

With John and Jade gone, the rest of the group resolves to continue watching the video without them, not like Jade wanted to continue watching anyway.

Resuming the video, the two hosts talked about Jade being a seemingly really nice person, that might have helped calm her down a little bit, but it didn't change the fact that she was extremely upset, the opinion of some random people on the internet wasn't going to change that.

"And the last of what the mysterious document that was sent to me calls the "beta kids" is Rose Lalonde, the Seer of Light. Seer is a prophet class, one who invites understanding of light or one who invites understanding through light. Seers are known for knowledge of their aspect through it's symbolic manifestations, like visions, people, or magical objects. A seer of light might struggle with the idea of finite knowledge." Ryan finishes reading, causing Shane to chime in with what he thought.

"She sounds like an absolute joy to be around."

"Hey! There's no way we can know that any of this is fake or true!"

"Regardless she sounds like a blast." Shane continues, completely sarcastic yet again.

"Fuck you dude." Ryan says, laughing.

"Yes, fuck you Shane, I'm the best." Rose says, completely serious causing her friends and family to start laughing around her.

"Damn, Rose knows her worth." Dirk says through bouts of laughter.

"Yes, yes I do." Rose responds, smiling.

"Good for you, Rosie! Go get that self worf… worth!" Roxy slurs, nearly falling off the couch with her giggles.

"Alright, no more alcohol, let's get you some water." Dirk says as he practically drags Roxy to the kitchen.

"Hurry up dude, we can't keep this thing paused forever!" Dave calls over his shoulder.

"Yeah I know, who decided to let her drink anyway?" Dirk shouts from the kitchen.

"It doesn't matter, she knows where we hide it anyway, we need to stop getting alcohol altogether." Jane says

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." Dirk says as he jumps over the back of the couch to reclaim his spot, having led Roxy to her room and put her to bed.

Resuming the show, it proved to be an odd moment to put Roxy to bed, considering she was next.

"Next, we're moving on to what my document describes as the "alpha kids", we're starting with Roxy Lalonde, the Rogue of Void. Rogue is a stealer class, one who invites theft of void or one who invites theft through void. Rogues of Void would have trouble coping with their own seeming insignificance and irrelevance. They might feel really really meaningless or unimportant, even unaware of what's going on around them."

"Well that's sad! Is she okay?" Shane asks, sounding concerned for the first time in the video.

"Well, she's got a lot of friends, I'm sure she's doing alright."

"Eh, we're working on it, to be fair we're all kinda fucked up." Dave says, shrugging.

"You're right but that fucking doesn't make it any lest fucked in every possible goddamn way." Karkat says, talking for the first time that afternoon.

"At least the lass knows we have her back, she's getting better." Jake says, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, Jake's right, we'll have to tell her all about it when she wakes up." Dirk says, obviously worried about one of his best friends.

"Continuing on to Dirk Strider -" Ryan starts but is once again cut off by Shane.

"I swear if his title is even half as regal sounding as the other Strider kid, I'm just gonna leave." He says through a laugh.

"Actually, his title is definitely even more regal sounding than Dave's." Ryan says, laughing as well.

"Oh yeah? Do tell."

"Dirk's title is the Prince of Heart."

"Oh shit you weren't joking, that's dope as fuck."

"Hell yeah I am." Dirk mumbles, Jake's the only one who notices, shooting Dirk a small smile.

"The class of Prince is a destroyer class, one who destroys with heart or destroys heart. Princes ghost their opposite aspect as they destroy theirs. They are violently stubborn and pessimistic people that stop at nothing to reach their goals."

"Sounds like a treat to be around!" Shane says, with zero hints of sarcasm in the statement.

"Yeah? What's different between him and Rose then?" Ryan asks.

"Well think about it dude! We're practically the same person! Same with Dave, I'd really like to meet those two specifically."

"Of course you do."

"Hell yeah! Dirk, you up to meeting this asshole?" Dave asks, pausing the video once again.

"Sure, why the hell not?" Dirk replies, shrugging.

Kanaya makes a mental note of this conversation, she knows they're joking, but that won't stop her from organizing a meeting between everyone.

"We'll have to see if they'd be willing to meet with us." Kanaya says, voicing what she's been thinking, earning her some odd looks from those around the room, this should be fun, she's already thinking of what to say in her email to BuzzFeed.

"Good idea Kanaya! We should meet with them, express our gratitude for being featured on their show, and possibly learn more about this mystery person that gave Ryan information on all of us." Rose says, resolving to make sure this happens, even if it kills her.

"Well, this is all jolly good, but we've only got Janey and I left so I think we should really get on with it." Jake says, clearly nervous about what's going to be said about him.

"Second to last is Jake English, the Page of Hope."

"Bollocks, right when I was saying we should get on with it." Jake mutters, earning him a light nudge from Dirk.

"The class of Page is described as a warrior class, one who invites exploitation of hope or one who invites exploitation through hope. Pages start with a deficit in their aspect that they confidently overcome through obvious overcompensation. A Page of Hope would start out with a deficit in their ability to discern the truth of a thing or situation or in their ability to believe in the right things."

"Well, that's nearly as bad as it could've been!" Jake says, suddenly relieved.

"What did you think he was gonna say? The Page of Hope is a gay twink with double pistols and a great ass?" Dirk says, obviously joking but not getting any laughs.

"Right, anyway, I'm next right? We should just get this over with." Jane says, they had left the episode playing on mute, effectively skipping the banter between subjects.

"And lastly we have the Maid of Life, Jane Crocker. Maid is ironically a healer class, one who creates with life or creates life. Maids start out relying on others for their aspect. They're often treated as doormats, pushed around by those they rely on. A Maid of Life would start out relying on others for their own power. Like needing someone else to buy something for them." Ryan finished, and the episode was muted just in time for Jane to storm out, mumbling that it was bullshit. It wasn't, she's just being dramatic.

"Well, I for one liked the video, as accurate as it is." Rose says, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, it wasn't bad." Dave agrees.

Later, after they've talked over the episode, everyone who had left was called back to watch a movie, giving Kanaya enough time to sneak away and write a very important email.

Finding Rose's laptop and logging on is easy enough, however, finding the correct email to write to might prove to be a bit challenging. Kanaya looks through Rose's recent emails, only to find nothing, she must've deleted it. Great, now she's stuck, she decides to send Rose a quick message.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

GA: Rose I Need Help

TT: With what? And where did you go?

GA: I Intended To Sneak Off To Our Room In Order To Send Those Two Men From BuzzFeed An Email

GA: Though, It Turns Out That You Deleted The Email After You Sent It

GA: What Should I Do

TT: Kanaya, honey, I love you but you're an idiot.

GA: Is There Something I'm Missing

TA: I didn't delete it, it's in the sent messages folder, if you copy and paste the address I sent it to you'll be good to go.

GA: My Apologies Rose I Still Find Myself Confused When It Comes To This

TT: It's alright, just message me again if you end up needing help, are you setting up a meeting between us?

GA: That Was My Intention

TT: Cool, I guess we may be seeing more of these guys if all goes well.

GA: I Suppose That's True

GA: Thank You For Your Help Rose

TT: No problem.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

After Rose's explanation, Kanaya quickly found the correct email address and got to work.

_To Whoever May Be Reading This_

_I Admire The Work Done On The Newest Episode Of BuzzFeed Unsolved_  
_I Would Like To Propose A Meeting Between The Gods And Their Family As Well As The Hosts From the Show_

_Thank You For The Consideration_  
_Kanaya Maryam_

That should do it, but she's going to check in with Rose first, just to make sure.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

GA: I Believe I'm Done

TT: That was fast.

GA: Yes Well

GA: Do You Think This Is Missing Anything

GA: file attached

TT: Nope, it looks great Kanaya, good job. Do you need help figuring out how to send it?

GA: Although I Would Like To Figure This Out On My Own

GA: Your Help Would Be Most Useful

TT: I'll be there in a minute, I've got to pry a sleeping Dave off of me.

GA: Alright I'll See You In A Minute

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

A few minutes later, Rose came into their shared room and took a seat next to Kanaya, pulling the laptop towards her.

"Sorry Kanaya, it took longer than I had anticipated to get Dave off of me." Rose sighs, sending the email.

"It's alright, I should've expected that, it is Dave after all."

"Yeah, I'm just glad he's actually sleeping."

"I'm glad he is sleeping as well."

"You should've seen it, when I left Dave was clinging onto Karkat like his life depended on it, same with Dirk and Jake."

"Rose."

"Yeah?"

"Dave and Karkat are dating, Dirk and Jake talked about what happened between them and are dating again."

"Right, I knew that."

"Did you?"

"You know the only relationship I care about is ours, right?"

"I appreciate you caring about our relationship, but I'd also appreciate you paying attention to others too."

"We really need to teach you guys sarcasm."

"You were being sarcastic?"

"This just proves my point Kanaya."

"Regardless, it's getting late, we should get to bed."

When they wake up the next morning they're greeted by a very enthusiastic email from BuzzFeed.

_Dear Miss Maryam,_  
_This is Ryan from BuzzFeed Unsolved, Shane and I would be delighted to meet with all of you, would sometime this weekend work for all of you?_  
_Ryan Bergara_

"It seems we got a positive response." Rose says from where she's reading over Kanaya's shoulder.

"It seems so, would you like to help me write him back?"

"It'd be a pleasure."

Rose helps Kanaya navigate to a place where she could reply and let her write whatever she wanted.

_Dear Mr Bergara_  
_We Will All Be Free This Saturday_  
_I Was Thinking That You And Shane Could Join Us At Our Shared Home_  
_As We Have Learned That Leaving Usually Gains Unwanted Attention For Everyone_  
_Kanaya Maryam_

"Rose, I believe I'm done."

"Do you remember how to send it?"

"Yes, I just sent it."

"Good job Kanaya! Now, what would you like for breakfast?"

"Anything is fine."

It's Wednesday morning when they plot to have the guys come over, they keep the fact that they've set up a meeting a secret.

Saturday morning, Kanaya woke up early to greet the "ghoul boys" at the door.

"Oh! Uh, good morning Miss, I think we might have the wrong house, we're supposed to be meeting with Kanaya Maryam?" Ryan says, obviously nervous. Kanaya chuckles a little before responding.

"That'd be me, please come inside, leave your shoes by the door." She moved out of the way and let them in, watching as they kicked off their shoes.

"So, Miss Maryam, I'm sorry if this seems rude but, how exactly did you get us a meeting here?" Shane asks once they're both inside.

"Oh! It's not rude at all, there's no way you could've known since it's been years since it happened at this point. Everyone living in this house is my family, you see, Rose Lalonde, the Seer of Light, is my wife. We got married roughly two years after we got out of the game." Kanaya says, smiling to herself at the memory.

"Oh! I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding! The personal relations of the gods aren't public so you're right, we had no way of knowing." Ryan says, nearly squeaking.

"Please, don't be embarrassed about it! It's about time we let people know about our relationships anyway." Kanaya says, leading them to one of the living rooms and gesturing for them to sit while doing the same herself.

"So uh, Miss Maryam-" Ryan starts, only to be cut off by Kanaya.

"Please, call me Kanaya."

"Right, Kanaya, why did you invite us here?"

"Well, Rose thought it'd be funny to write up the document she sent you, just to see what would happen. After the most recent episode came out almost all of us watched it together. Only Rose and I knew to begin with, but I'm sure the Striders picked up on it eventually, those two are abnormally good at reading people. Anyway, I thought it'd be best if we came clean about the whole thing and schedule a meeting. Do you have any questions?"

"Yeah, why did you leave out information on certain people, like yourself." Shane asks, obviously not caring who she is and just wanting answers.

"Oh, I figured that including myself and my fellow trolls in the document would only result in more people figuring out that we were in on it as we ascended after we got out of the game." She replies as if it was obvious what they were doing. "That, and Terezi would've gone nuts demanding to know who you are, anything else? It's around the time that everyone starts waking up so I should be getting upstairs to make breakfast, would you care to help?"

"Oh! Um, I'd love to but I probably shouldn't. I don't know what your family would say to a random guy in their kitchen making them food." Ryan squeaks, watching as Kanaya gets up and starts to make her way to the stairs.

"Nonsense, they already know you're supposed to be coming, they just don't know that you'll be here this early!" She says, smiling, hoping they don't catch her in her lie.

They thankfully don't call her out on her lie, even if Shane looks skeptical about it, Ryan's all for believing every word that comes out of Kanaya's mouth, which is probably a bad idea, considering who she lives with.

The three make their way up the stairs and to the kitchen where Rose is sat at the table, seemingly waiting for them, which she was.

"Rose! So glad you could join us!" Kanaya smiles, she looks like a shark.

Ryan nearly faints on the spot, judging by that reaction, it'll be great when the others start to show up. Both of the men are quick to look away from Rose, almost as if they thought she'd kill them just for looking at her.

"You know you can talk to her, right?" Kanaya asks as she's gathering materials for breakfast from around the kitchen.

"Hello Ryan and Shane, it's good to see that you accepted our invitation." Both of them flinched at the sound of Rose's voice. "I promise I won't hurt you."

"Right, what would you gain from killing two random people?" Shane asks, still pretty nervous, but warming up to the thought that he's actually going to be meeting the gods today.

"Blood for the ritual." Rose replies, not even looking in their direction as she gets up to give Kanaya a kiss. When she turns to face them, they're both pale. "I'm joking." They sigh in relief.

"Rose, we talked about joking about stuff like that, people tend to find it a bit unsettling." Kanaya chastises.

"Right, good joke." Ryan blurts out, only to look like he regrets it immediately afterwards.

"Thank you for having a taste in humor, Ryan was it?"

"Y-yes Miss."

"Please, it's just Rose, and I'm not going to hurt you, none of us are." Rose tells them with what she hopes is a sincere smile.

To her surprise, they smile back, and for the first time since she's met them, they look happy and relaxed about being there.

Breakfast goes down without a hitch, Kanaya decided they were going to make waffles as it was accepted house-wide as a decent breakfast.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave, dude what are Rose and Kanaya doing?

TG: i bet they are making breakfast

TT: No dude, one of them opened the door and let someone in earlier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

TG: did they do what i think they did

TT: I'm betting they did.

TG: we should go down there at the same time just to scare them

TT: I was thinking the same thing bro.

TG: i will be out of my room in a minute

TG: i have to pry karkat off of me

TT: See you in a minute dude.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

A few minutes later they met up in the hall.

"I wrote a little note for Karkat to tell him where I am and what's going on, you should probably do the same, we don't want either of them to worry." Dave says once he sees Dirk waiting for him by his bedroom door.

"Oh fuck, you're right, I'll be right back." Dirk says as he quietly slips back into his room.

When Dirk gets back he's got a genuine smile on his face.

"You seem cheery, what's on your mind?" Dave asks, smirking.

"Oh, uh. He's super cute when he's asleep." Dirk mumbles, hoping Dave won't hear.

"That's so fucking gay dude."

"Says you dude."

They go downstairs, while still bantering back and forth, gotta make that shit look natural.

"Oh hey, Ryan and Shane, right?" Dirk asks, pretending to ignore Dave.

"Yeah, hey! We heard you weren't expecting us until later, so sorry that you have to deal with us this early!" Shane says from where he's sitting with Rose at the table.

Dave and Dirk, having not known they were coming, just played along as if they did. If Rose wanted to see them panic, she wasn't getting that from the Striders.

"Yeah bro, wasn't expecting you until later, but it's nice to see that you actually came. I'm assuming you already know who we are?" Dave asks, taking a seat across the table from where Shane and Rose are already sitting, Dirk claiming the spot next to him.

"Dave and Dirk, the two with the coolest sounding titles, anyway, I gotta ask… what's with the glasses?" Shane asks.

"Irony." They both respond in sync.

"How exactly is it ironic?"

"Dude, it's not ironic if you have to explain why it's ironic." Dirk says with a smirk.

"Right, that makes sense I guess." Shane sighs, looking between the two Striders. "You know, you two look a lot alike, have you ever tried switching places?" This comment is enough to get a genuine laugh out of Rose and small chuckles out of the Striders.

"I don't think Karkat would appreciate that. He'd notice immediately, Dirk and I have scars in different places, and I'd rather not put on his shitty glasses, they bring back less than ideal memories." Dave says while pointing out their different scars, the most prominent one being the fairly large scar around Dirk's neck.

"Right, it was a silly thing to ask anyway, and if you don't mind me asking, how did you get that scar?" Shane asks, pointing to the one dramatically obvious scar between the two of them, the one on Dirk's neck.

"Oh this thing? I was decapitated three times during the course of the game. It obviously didn't stick or I wouldn't be here." Dirk says, not even caring about it, he's come to terms with how many times he's died and been brought back.

"Wait, you guys died during this game?" Ryan asks, he was listening while helping Kanaya.

"Oh yeah! Lots of times, I'm not even sure how many times I died, I'm sure that John holds the title for the highest number of deaths." Dave says even though he's sure their guests are freaking out about it.

"What the actual grub-munching fuck is going on down here?!" Karkat asks, looking around the room.

"Hey Karkles! You remember that video we watched the other day? Kanaya invited them over." Dave smiles at the endlessly grumpy troll.

Karkat's expression softens when it's mentioned that Kanaya set this up.

"Dave, did you even fucking sleep?" Karkat asks, turning his attention to the man in question.

"Yes Karkat, I did sleep, Dirk just woke me up early by pestering me." Dave responds quickly.

"Guilty as charged, we'll have to ask Terezi for a fit punishment." Dirk says, completely accepting his fate.

"Fine, you're lucky I fucking believe you." Karkat says, glaring at Dirk and sliding into the empty spot next to Dave.

"Right, because what would I do without the approval of the great Karkat Vantas?" Dirk says, joking around.

"Oh yeah, laugh it up, you know I can fucking take you." Karkat replies.

"I'd rather you not fight my brother." Dave steps in, breaking up the "fight"

"It's your gogdamn brother you're worried about in this fucking situation? What the fuck Strider, I thought you fucking loved me!" Here we go, he's starting to get mad, it's super early for this too.

"Shush, of course I love you dude, I was just joking." Dave reassures him, giving him gentle little paps on the head.

During this entire interaction, the ghoul boys are watching in awe over how domestic everyone is with each other, they're really just a big family, it's easy to see considering how much they've been through together.

"Well, what's going on down here?" Jake asks, having obviously just woken up.

"Hey Jake, I hope you read the note I left." Dirk says before anyone else can even say hi to him.

"How could I have missed it?! You stabbed it to the wall with one of your bloody swords!" Jake says, genuinely distressed over what he found.

"Great, I need you to help me get people up, let's go." Dirk says, moving with impossible speed, grabbing Jake's wrist and dragging him back up the stairs.

"Gadzooks Dirk, slow down!" Jake yells before Dirk abruptly stops, making Jake run awkwardly into his back.

"Sorry dude, Dave and Karkat were being sappy as fuck so I wanted to get away as fast as possible." Dirk explains with a sheepish smile.

"You know, everyone tends to find us annoying when we do the same thing. You, Dirk Strider, are a hypocrite." Jake replies, grinning.

Dirk feigns a gasp, gripping at his chest. "You wound me, English."

"Oh shut yer trap, Strider."

"Why don't you make me?"

So he does, Jake laces his fingers behind Dirk's neck and plants a kiss on his lips, effectively shutting him up.

"Good morning Jake."

"Good morning, now, I'll go get Jane, you go get Roxy and Calliope."

"On it!" Dirk gives Jake another kiss before darting away to Roxy and Calliope's room.

When he gets there he carefully knocks on the door, trying to make sure that he isn't too loud, they're both sensitive to loud noises.

"Rox, Callie! It's time to get up!" He calls through the door, hearing movement coming from inside the room.

A minute later the door is flung open to reveal a disheveled Roxy.

"Hey Dork, what's up?"

"Do you even remember what we watched on Tuesday?" She gives him a look that says she doesn't. "Right, of course you don't, you were fuckin sloshed. Anyway, some guys at BuzzFeed were actually brave enough to make a video about us, granted it was with the help of Rose and Kanaya but that's besides the point. The hosts of the show are downstairs, they're actually pretty chill, one of them helped Kanaya make breakfast."

"You had me at BuzzFeed, I'll get ready and wake Callie up, we'll be down in like… fifteen minutes."

"Right, see you then, bye Rox!" Dirk shouts as he darts down the hall again, smacking right into a wall and flopping to the floor. It's what he gets for running around so fast.

"What the actual FUCK was that?!" A startled voice screeches from within the room, it's Terezi, he ran into one of the walls to Terezi's room, she's gonna kill him.

The door to his right flies open and Terezi stomps through, sniffing the air for anyone nearby.

"Strider! Why did you run into the wall? I'm supposed to be the blind one here!" Terezi cackles.

"I'm a dumbass that thought flash-stepping through the house was a good idea."

"You mean that weird shit you and Dave do to go really fucking fast?"

"Yeah, that."

"Why are you running around this early anyway?"

"It's almost nine!"

"My question still stands."

"Did we tell you about the BuzzFeed thing?"

"Yeah, why?"

"The hosts are downstairs."

"Why didn't you lead with that?!"

"I thought you'd be more concerned with the fact that I ran into the wall at full speed and that I'm still on the floor, pretty sure I put a hole in the wall with my face."

"Who cares about that! You should've told me we have guests!"

"I heard a thud, what happened?" John asks, coming up behind Dirk, who's still on the ground.

"Dirk did his flash-thingy and ran into the wall!" Terezi informs him excitedly.

"Dude, that's so stupid." John informs him, looking down at him in pity.

"You're not the one that put a hole in the wall with your face dude." Dirk says, not even attempting to get up.

"You did what?!" John shrieks, running over to examine the wall. Not only did Dirk make a hole in the wall, part of it has taken on the distinct shape of his shades, he can't bullshit his way out of this one.

"Yep, that's a hole, part of it's in the shape of your shades too! It's actually kinda cool, but we've gotta get downstairs or someone's gonna kill us, probably Rose." John sighs, helping Dirk to his feet.

"I'll be down in a minute, I've been busy laughing at Dirk, tell Rose I'm sorry."

Dirk and John travel downstairs and find nearly everyone gathered in the kitchen/living room, eating, and having fun.

"So, John, what was the source of the mysterious thump you heard?" Rose asks with a smirk, she already knows of course.

"Dirk ran into a wall and put a hole in said wall with his face." John replies, trying his hardest not to laugh.

This gets nearly everyone to laugh at his misfortune, those who aren't look around in confusion asking what happened then they start laughing too.

"Yes, I ran into the wall, yes I'm a dumbass, and yes it fucking hurt." Dirk says, rubbing the bridge of his nose where his shades had been when he ran into the wall.

"You're a dumb bitch, why did you think flash-stepping in the house was a good idea? Even I know that's a really fucking bad idea!" Dave says through his laughter.

"Wait, flash-stepping? What's that?" Shane asks, even though it's obvious both of the video hosts were more than confused as to what's going on.

"It's something Dirk and I can do, we just move really fucking fast, too fast for people to actually see us moving around." Dave says with a smirk before flash-stepping to the other side of the room, right into a wall.

"You literally just got done telling me why that's a bad idea and what do you do? The exact same fucking thing!" Dirk says, laughing at his brother's misfortune.

"Karkat I've been hurt, help me!" Dave says from the floor.

"Ab-so-fucking-lutely not! You did this to yourself you idiot!" Karkat yells, making sure everyone hears him and knows what Dave just did is the stupidest thing he's seen him do.

"Well we- we uh- brought a camera crew with us, they're probably wondering what's taking us so long to call them, but it'd be cool to get your flash-thingy on camera, if you'd let us?" Ryan asks, somewhat nervously.

"Yeah, sure, I don't see why not. We can even change into our God Tier garbs so it's easier to identify us." Dirk says, snapping his fingers and immediately changing into his God Tier outfit.

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah, call your crew, get them over here, I've been meaning to ask Dave to race me again, might as well document it. Yo Dave, you in on this?" Dirk asks, yelling to where Dave is still on the ground.

"Sure, sounds like fun." Dave grins as he finally gets up, also changing into his God Tier outfit with a snap.

"Okay then! I'll call the crew, you really don't need to do this." Shane says.

"No, if the Striders say they're going to do something, they'll stop at nothing to make sure they do it." Jake says with a sigh, he's experienced this first hand.

"Right, I'll step out for a bit, I'll be back." Shane says, making his way out the front door.

"Heeeeeeeey Ryan! I heard you did a video on us and you left me out! That kinda hurts man." Vriska says as she walks up to Ryan, giving him her best fake pout.

"Oh! Um, I'm really sorry but I wasn't given information on all of you, if you actually watched the video, I did address that, so I'm sorry Miss?" Ryan starts but stops when he realizes he has no idea who he's talking to.

"Vriska, Vriska Serket." She says, extending a hand for him to shake.

Ryan smiles and takes her hand. "And I'm Ryan Bergara, though I'm sure you already knew that."

"Actually, I had no idea you did this until this morning, I learned your name like… two minutes ago." She admits, grinning like a shark.

"Oh! Well it's nice to meet you Vriska! I'm sorry I couldn't include you in the video, maybe I can do another video going over you and your other friends I missed?" Her eyes soften as she thinks about it.

"I'd love that, do you think you could include some of the guys that didn't make it? As like, one final tribute to them?" She asks, hope in her voice.

"I didn't even realize that some of you didn't make it out! I'd be honored to do that for you."

"Thank you, I'm sure they'd love it if they were able to see it, I'll get some information to you. Thanks again!" She grins, wiping away a cerulean tear as she walks away.

"What was that about?" John asks, stepping up next to Ryan.

"Oh, Vriska was asking me about making a video for her, a tribute to her dead friends!" Ryan says, kinda excited about the idea.

"Oh that's nice, I didn't get to talk to many of them but most of them were really great people." John tells him with a smile.

There's a knock at the door, Shane's back with the camera crew and they're making their way to the backyard for a small talent show of sorts, showing off what they can do with their various powers.

First up is the Striders as they promised, lining up one side of the yard which is way too small for what they're planning on doing. They both give incredibly short interviews with every intent to pick it up again after their race, they rattle off their names and titles as well as what they're about to do.

They both disappear from everyone's view, reappearing every so often as they run across the yard, but for the most part they're moving too fast for anyone to actually see. They'd previously agreed to do five laps across the yard, not like anyone's going to be able to keep track anyway.

The first of them to actually stop running is Dave, though Dirk stops moments later.

"Does anyone have any idea which one of us won?" Dave asks, slightly out of breath.

"To be honest, I couldn't tell which one of you was which when you were running." Shane says, shrugging it off, it didn't really matter who won anyway.

"We really need to find someone who can film us in, like, ultra slow motion so we can actually figure out who actually wins these things." Dirk says, grinning since this always happens.

"Anyway, would you take a minute to explain your powers to the camera?" Ryan asks.

"Yeah, alright, I've already stated my name and title but I'm Dirk Strider, Prince of Heart. I can destroy emotion and the soul itself, I can destroy all emotions of others leaving them feel absolutely nothing and hollow. So essentially I have the power to attack the soul itself and destroy the very fabric of a person's being." Dirk says, looking straight into the camera, small, bright pink sparks of lightning dancing off his fingers.

"That's not terrifying at all." Ryan says, shocked. Nobody other than the god's inner circle really knew the extent of each other's powers.

"Yeah, but I've only used it against people who were trying to kill me, so it's alright I guess." Dirk replies, shrugging it off as no big deal.

"I guess it's my turn then. I'm Dave Strider, the Knight of Time. I can use the time all around me to do what I want." He takes a second to get out his timetables before continuing. "I can use time as my weapon, making an army of myself when needed." Another Dave blinks into view to give OG Dave a fist bump and blink away. "I can also hurtle my enemies through time, but I can't exactly demonstrate that one." He says with a smile. "Oh, and these things help me jump through time too." He finishes, gesturing to the timetables floating just beneath his hands.

"Sounds legit." Shane says, a smirk on his face.

"I'll yeet you into the future, don't try me." Dave responds as an empty threat.

"Do it, coward." Shane responds without even really thinking about it.

"Right, who wants to go next?" Ryan asks through his laughter at Shane, who practically just dared a god to kill him.

"I'll go, might as well, as Dirk's boyfriend and all." Jake says as though it's the most logical thing to say. He steps in front of the camera and starts his little monologue.

"I'm Jake English, Page of Hope. I can make people's beliefs a reality, I lead people to believe in themselves and keep faith in what they believe in. I can bring hopes to reality into reality as a way to support myself both on and off the battlefield. I make sure everyone can get all they can out of their hope by making it their weapon." He says with a grin and a wink to the camera.

"I guess I'll fuccin go next." Karkat grumbles as he steps up to the camera.

"I'm Karkat Vantas, Knight of Blood. I gather allies for combat, relying on them for the battles, or exploits relationships for the betterment of others. My powers focus solely on friendship and bringing people together. If I were to have ascended in a good timeline during the game… I would've been able to prevent a fuck ton of deaths." He says, small, bright red tears coming to his eyes but never falling. Kanaya gives him a thumbs up from behind the camera, she and Rose have been helping everyone with their little monologues, making sure everything goes well.

Terezi is next, stepping in front of the camera with a bright grin. "I'm Terezi Pyrope, Seer of Mind. Basically, I can read your mind." She says, completely ignoring everything Rose had written out for her, she'd prefer to keep it short and sweet.

"Before we continue, it's nearly time for lunch, I'm just going to make some sandwiches, that alright with everyone?" Kanaya asks to a chorus of affirmations.

While she's gone, they get through John, Jane, Jade, Rose, Roxy, and Vriska.

"Alright, I wasn't sure what to make for the BuzzFeed crew, so I just made a few of each." Kanaya says as she comes back outside with a large platter of various sandwiches. She sets the platter down on one of the tables they have set up outside, then rushes back inside to retrieve cups and drinks.

Everyone takes a break to eat, thanking Kanaya for all the work she did.

"So, you two are like brothers, right?" Shane asks, sitting down next to the Striders.

"Yeah, you could say that." Dirk says, writing him off as just being curious.

"Then what's up with the Lalonde's? They seem pretty close too."

"Okay, that's where this gets weird. Roxy is Rose's mom and vice versa." Dave says, a small smile tugging at his lips.

"How the hell does that work?"

"It's kinda difficult to explain but I'll do my best. So, there are four Beta kids, and four Alpha kids. The Beta kids are John, Rose, Jade, and Dave. The Alpha kids are Jane, Roxy, Jake, and myself. At one point, there was a beta version of all the alphas, and an alpha version of all the betas. Does that make any sense?" Dirk says, trying his best to explain.

"And you all met because of the game, right?"

"Exactly, the game and it's stupid timeline bullshit." Dave confirms.

"That's insane to think about, people from different timelines, even different worlds could come together playing a game!" Shane says, seemingly ecstatic about it.

"No, absolutely not, the game was terrible. There used to be twelve trolls, now there's only four." Dave tells him, suddenly serious.

"No no, I know that, it's just the timeline stuff is kinda cool!"

"Yeah, I guess it is." Dirk admits.

After they finish up their lunch they get back to the interviews, finishing them up as quickly as they can, using the last bit light possible. When all was said and done, it really wasn't a bad day.

"So, this was fun! You don't have to worry about us leaking your address, we'd have to be monsters to do that to you." Ryan says with a smile.

"Yep, especially since we can kill you pretty easily." Vriska chirps, grinning impossibly wide at the thought.

"Right, anyway, since I guess we'll never see any of you again, I'd like to say that it was a pleasure to meet and talk with all of you. I'm incredibly humbled that Rose came to me to make that video in the first place, and that Kanaya reached out to meet us afterwards. I have to say that I'm never going to forget this opportunity." Ryan continues, smiling widely at everyone.

"As much as I don't want to admit it, I agree with my friend here, this has to be the coolest thing I've done for the sake of work, everyone in the office has been glaring at us all week because we're the ones that get to meet you and they didn't. I have to say that this was a hell of a lot cooler than I expected." Shane agrees with a small smile.

"Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that this is the most fun we've had in a while! I'd like to invite you to come back anytime you want, granted you let us know beforehand!" John says excitedly.

"Wait really? Wow that's… wow." Ryan says before promptly passing out.

"You do you bud." Shane says, completely accepting the situation.

"Holy fucking God, did we just kill this quivering shit head?!" Karkat yells, immediately concerned for Ryan's wellbeing.

Rose, seeing this as her opportunity to create more chaos just says: "yes." Making Karkat even more scared.

He drags Jane over to Ryan's unconscious body and starts gesturing to him as if she's able to figure out what he means from just that. When she doesn't he finally reveals what he's been trying to get her to do.

"Revive this fucker!" He yells, gesturing wildly at the unconscious body before him.

"Hah, no." Jane replies, knowing it'd just be a waste of her powers, causing Karkat to splutter and fume, stomping his feet and yelling about how they just killed this poor fucker.

Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

**Author's Note:**

> I can expand on this if anyone wants me to but I doubt anyone actually wants that.


End file.
